Dateline. Canberra.

The Abbott Government announced today it had offered the Taliban a squadron of helicopter gunships to interdict the movement of Hazara refugees out of Afghanistan. Buoyed by the Sri Lankan government’s enthusiastic receipt of two gunboats to prosecute anti people smuggling operations, Prime Minister Abbott promised to cut off the ‘evil trade’ at its source.

“We know most of the Afghans attempting to get here by boat are fleeing Taliban controlled areas, which tells us that Taliban aren’t really doing their bit to crack down on the people smugglers,” said the PM. “’People smuggling is a curse. It is an evil trade … the promises that people smugglers offer are promises of death, not life. We hope that with our aid, the Taliban’s promises of death will be a more credible deterrent.”

Anti-immigration Minister Scott Morrison deflected criticism of giving military aid to the Sri Lankan regime, which has been accused of crimes against humanity, by refusing to detail what, if any, restrictions the government had placed on the use of the warships by the Sri Lankan Armed Forces.


A Sri Lankan navy spokesman beamed deliriously at news of the multimillion dollar gift. “We’ve never had gunboats as big as this before,” said the spokesman, as he made a series of enthusiastic machine gunning noises and loudly crowed. “Look out India! In your face, Cameron! Oh, man this is gonna be sweet.”

The spokesman declined to answer any questions about the documented involvement of Sri Lanka’s Navy officers and personnel in people smuggling, describing such “operational matters” as being “commercial-in-confidence”.

The offer of helicopter gunships to the Taliban caused some difficulties with other repressive regimes who also put their hands out for the freebies.

“Where’s our attack helicopters?” asked the Iranian foreign minister. “Where’s our gunboats? Are we not a reliable supplier of refugees into the Australian market?”

Mr Morrison said all options were on the table.

“’I make no apologies for the fact that we are endeavouring to stop boats coming to Australia,” he said.

Sources close to the Iranian Revolutionary Guard remained hopeful that, given the large number of wretched kaffir and filthy apostates they had driven from the blessed motherland into the clutches of the accursed antipodean infidel, that the accursed antipodean infidel might see their way clear to giving them some of those new submarines or air warfare destroyers they were building.

“Give us the tools and we will do the job for you,” said the Revolutionary Guard source. “Seriously, nothing stops a boat coming to Australia like a Mark 48 Mod 7 CBASS torpedo up the Persian date.”

“Ooh, torpedoes!” replied the Sri Lankan spokesman. “Can we have some of them too?”